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Who I am...

Thursday, September 25, 2008 by Mellie

Updated...

1. Beginnings don't terrify me nearly as much as they used to. Instead of feeling pressure, I feel liberated. I've always been good at beginnings, jumping head in with no planning. It's the endings that fall apart on me. Best laid plans of mice and (wo)men, right?

2. Whenever I feel nervous, I feel butterflies in my stomach that make me feel incredibly nauseated and light-headed.

3. I grew up in such a cold home environment that hiding the fact that I'm close to throwing up from nerves is both easy and implicit.

4. I feel the same sort of butterflies when I'm in love. And those make me nauseated as well, for many of the same reasons.

5. I have much less patience for hiding those kind of butterflies, which is fine because I rarely fall in love anyway.

6. I no longer have a scent of choice; I enjoy mixing and matching scents to keep people guessing. I want to smell differently each time someone gets close enough to smell me - I like to be an enigma.

7. One of the sweetest things that Bear has ever said to me was that he knew just what my hair smelled like... and part of me worries that, if I change my scent (which may change my body chemistry), I won't be as appealing to him anymore. *Update - he still loves me*

8. We've been together for 6 years and I have never been more comfortable with someone.

9. Sometimes I worry that being that comfortable isn't a good thing, because I crave and need spontaneity. It's an essential part of who I am.

10. Bear once told me that I smelled like home to him, which I'm never sure is a compliment because he had such a fucked up home life when he was younger.

11. My natural hair color is a mousy brown, which I feel says absolutely nothing about my personality.

12. I still swear that I was meant to be a redhead.

13. Most everyone in my family has some degree of red hair, but I keep telling myself that there were brown haired, blue eyed Mc's as well.

14. If I didn't look like the perfect combination of my mother and my father, I'd consider the fact that my mom had screwed the mail man.

15. Even though it was my dad that had multiple affairs during his marriage to my mom.

16. I inherited my family's Irish temper - god help anyone who is on the wrong side of it. It makes me very quick to anger and very quick to forgive.

17. But, as I always say, I may forgive but I never forget.

18. And I don't believe in god, so I must not care that much if I'm hoping god will help you.

19. The best smell in the world is the way my daughter's skin smells after she's out of the bathtub and wrapped in her Hello Kitty robe.

20. I will only buy underwear and bras at Victoria's Secret. I believe in spoiling myself and one of the few things that it pays to buy more expensively is bras. I don't wear underwear much, so I only spend a fortune on things to make my breasts look perkier and unnatural.

21. I was a 34 B in high school, a 38 DD when I was breastfeeding and am a 36 C now. I'd prefer the 34 B over any of the sizes I've been - it would be spectacular to not have to wear a bra. I'd kill to wear a wife beater and have my perky little nipples poking out.

22. But I absolutely adore my cleavage and my girls - you can tell what season it is by how much of them you can see.

23. I will still get plastic surgery on them one day. I'd like to get them reduced to a 34 C and have a lift done. Breast feeding seems to have literally sucked all the life out of them and they make me incredibly self-conscious.

24. My stomach is easily my most hated part of my body and the number one thing I would go under the knife for. The stretch marks there make me want to cry when I look at myself naked.

25. I still consider all of them badges of honor for creating life - I would do it all over again if it meant I would bring the same beautiful child into the world.

26. I'm over a quarter of the way done with my list now and I still have so much more to say about myself. I'm light years ahead of where I was last year; much less self-conscious and much more self-assured. I like that about myself.

27. *I'm leaving this although it's not the same date because it means a lot to me.* Today marks the 4 year anniversary of a friend's death. He was run over by a tank while at a military training facility. Everytime I want to cry when I think of him I remember that the best tribute to him is living my life well and with no regrets, just the way he always did.

28. It still hurts as badly today as it did when I first heard the news 4 years ago.

29. I will never forget calling my friend, his wife, and telling her that I didn't think her husband was the one killed because nobody had called to let me know (I was a point of contact for the military wives back when I was married to the Army boy). I will never feel more sorrow and guilt for speaking words in my entire life.

30. 21 gun salutes still make me ill.

31. There are a lot of times in my life that I stop and wonder what would have happened if I had made one tiny decision differently or if things would have worked out a different way.

32. But I would never change a thing - every event that has happened to me, every path I've chosen and choice I've made has led me to be the person I am today.

33. I consider regret a failing.

34. I'm addicted to Irish punk rock - the Tossers, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly, etc. I think it's my genetics, I'm a sucker for an Irish accent.

35. I also think it's incredibly hot when Bear speaks to me in Spanish. I don't understand much of what he's saying, but it's just so goddamn attractive that I usually want to rip his clothes off right then.

36. I'm currently teaching myself Spanish... I know mostly present tense verbs and nouns.

37. I'm hoping it's a gateway language - I'd like to speak at least Spanish and Italian fairly fluently before I'm 40.

38. I'm currently reteaching myself how to play the flute. I was 1st chair in high school and was offered a full-ride scholarship at the college of my choosing after graduation. I turned it down.

39. My goal of playing the flute again is almost solely for Vivaldi's sake.

40. I have thick, naturally wavy hair. I straighten it every morning to within an inch of its life. I guess that old adage is true... the grass is always greener.

41. The old nursery rhyme is true as well. I have a little curl right in the middle of my forehead and when I'm bad, I'm horrid.

42. When I was younger, I had the entire "Sick" poem by Shel Silverstein memorized. I only remember the first stanza now.

43. My favorite poem was always "Jabberwocky" though. I really did live in a different world when I was a kid, and it made complete sense to me.

44. If I had to choose a favorite poem now, it would be "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. Although I still agree with Bear, people should never write poetry beyond the age of 25.

45. My favorite body part on either sex is still the butt. Give me a nice grabbable ass, something to hold on to and make me want to gnaw on, and I'm yours for life.

46. I absolutely can not and will never be able to be with anyone that has no mind. I think the mind is the most important thing in the world and a pretty face and a rockin' body could never make up for an empty head. It disgusts me.

47. I'm beyond the point where I can have anonymous sex for that very reason... people will say something ignorant and it's just a total turn-off.

48. I've stopped talking to people for misusing grammar as well. They're there and their and your and your are deal breakers. Spell them right or don't bother talking to me.

49. I guess I'm sort of a literary and grammatical elitist... but there are worse things in the world.

50. I used to be a musical elitist as well, but Bear opened my eyes. Without him, I'd have never discovered my two favorite bands - The Weakerthans and Lucero. Of all the things I'm grateful to him for, that is easily in the top 2.

51. *We don't really play anymore - it's a side effect of the disability back problems* It's also not horrible that he's the only man strong enough to dom me. I'm a seriously bratty and ungrateful submissive and I can't believe he has put up with me for this long. I'd have been fed up by now... but we all know how short my Irish temper is so that's not really saying much.

52. I have an intense jealous streak that gets me into trouble.

53. Usually that trouble is entirely in my own head. I can convince myself with utter certainty that the person I love is cheating on me. It’s so vivid that I can see it.

54. I also think that I deserve it as karmic retribution for past sins.

55. I've mellowed out with all that A LOT in the past few years, though its biting tongue still lashes me every once in awhile.

56. I never want to get married again.

57. But I’ve never been as in love with anyone as I am with my current boyfriend.

58. I am technically engaged but neither of us wear our rings. I'm not sure why that is.

59. Although I don't mind not having to explain our particularly extra long engagement to people I barely know.

60. If my fingernails are painted a certain color, you can bet money that my toenails match perfectly.

61. My fingernails are rarely painted these days. Side effect of the job.

62. I have never in my life been as content with my career as I am right now.

63. I'm taking steps to further myself in my line of work even more, and all I see when I look ahead is blue skies and yellow brick roads. That has NEVER happened before.

64. Unfortunately, a side effect of being happy is that my job doesn't pay very well at all.

65. My self esteem seems to ebb and flow with how often I shave my legs.

66. I believe in fate.

67. But I also believe that fate allows us choices and paths and it's up to us to pick and choose the road we want to go down.

68. Every road takes us down some version of personal hell every once in awhile; it's impossible to skip.

69. I believe with all my heart that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

70. But that doesn't mean it REALLY doesn't fucking hurt. It always hurt and anyone that says otherwise is a goddamn liar. It's supposed to hurt.

71. When I wear my glasses, I feel less strong and sexy. I think it’s a librarian complex.

72. Although Bear assures me that they make me look incredibly hot.

73. I didn’t have cable for nearly a year and that helped me realize just how vain our society really is.

74. I have a huge collection of pin-up art.

75. I used to think I wanted to live in the 1950s, but nostalgia (even for times I've never lived in) is a total waste of time. Not to mention women weren't' allowed the vote, blacks and whites were segregated and there was no safe socially accepted contraception.

76. My dream car is from the same time period – a 1950s Ford Coupe, preferably with suicide doors and pink pinstripe flames on both sides.

77. I have a Marilyn Monroe obsession.

78. I finally got my first tattoo at the age of 26.

79. It's a beautiful purple sumi-e style lotus flower. It's a work of art.

80. It's also incredibly humbling. I placed it on the back of my neck to remind me that humility and living in the moment are the best possible things to live a happy and fulfilled life.

81. I’m never happier than I am when I am either bloody from working really hard to save an animal or up to my elbows in car grease as I’m working on my car.

82. Needless to say, I like my sex to be dirty and messy as well.

83. Once I’m in love with someone, I’m extremely loyal until they give me reason to act otherwise.

84. My loyalty is a fault; it gets in the way of seeing who a person really is sometimes.

85. I rarely have time to read these days, but I’m always looking for good book suggestions.

86. I usually read books in a day or two; I’m too impatient to wait to find out what happens.

87. I don’t always know if I like something right away, but I always know immediately when I don’t.

88. I constantly obsess over the size of my ass, although everyone else always assures me just how hot it is.

88. I’ve been with at least twice as many women as I have men.

89. I just don't know exactly what that number is. I used to drink a lot and act in really stupid and self destructive ways when I was younger.

90. I’m one of those rare women who can have sex entirely without emotion.

91. I prefer to have sex with emotion. It’s always made sex so much better for me.

92. I masturbate and think about being gang raped.

93. It’s almost the only thing that gets me off these days.

94. I've used to be pretty deep into the BDSM culture. I was very submissive at the beginning of Bear and my relationship.

95. But I would never want to be anyone’s slave.

96. I don’t consider myself weak because of my desires. If anything, it makes me a stronger person to be able to admit them to others and myself.

97. I’m a feminist. Real feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.

98. Men who think women are weaker than them disgust me. I would never be with a man who didn’t see me as his equal.

99. Ends are really hard for me too. It’s hard for me to come up with something witty, like I need to leave everyone thinking about me and just how great I am

100. I’ve got nothing. And I’m ok with that.


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Monday, November 13, 2006 by Mellie

I'm working on a new list - it's been nearly a year and I don't believe I'm that adorably neurotic anymore. *grin*


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100 Things About Aine.

Friday, December 16, 2005 by Mellie

1. The beginning of anything always terrifies me. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure, and I never feel like I live up to my own expectations of perfection.
2. When I begin to feel like I’m failing at perfection, I give up and do exactly the opposite. This pertains to everything in my life.
3. My favorite seasons are (in this order) – Spring, Fall, Winter, Summer. I adore transition periods; I hate stagnancy.
4. Even when I was a little girl, I could never answer the favorite color question. It actually makes me anxious when people ask me what my favorite color is.
5. I put more pressure on myself than anyone in my life ever could (or would).
6. I always worry that I expect too much of myself, but still expect myself to follow through with those unrealistic expectations. (Follow that one!)
7. I am very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat – movies, television, music, watching people on the street… everything gets to me.
8. There are very few people who know this about me. There is absolutely no one in my life that knows the extent that my emotions affect me.
9. I’m terrified of being found weak, vulnerable or overly sentimental.
10. I want other people to think that I am beautiful.
11. I just don’t have the time or desire to paint my nails, do my makeup, wash my hair, pluck my eyebrows, pick out perfect clothes and whiten my teeth every single morning.
12. But I don’t let that get in the way of criticizing myself every time I walk in front of the mirror.
13. I’ve been dying my hair since I was 13 years old, but no hair color has stopped me from hating myself.
14. I’m worried this list is making me seem like a neurotic child with self-esteem problems (although sometimes I feel like I am).
15. The small of my back is my favorite body part.
16. It’s also the body part I would have him come on if given the choice.
17. If the person I’m with fails to reach orgasm, I blame myself.
18. I then think what I could have done differently for hours afterwards.
19. I lost my virginity when I was raped at age 16.
20. I used that as an excuse to be with as many people as possible after that.
21. It didn’t make me feel any better.
22. I weigh 30 pounds more today than I did in high school almost a decade ago.
23. I was bulimic/anorexic in high school.
24. I don’t let that stop me from holding my 17-year-old self as the picture of perfection.
25. If I didn’t have a child, I would still be bulimic/anorexic right now.
26. I think that my daughter was sent to me to save me from myself.
27. So far, it has worked.
28. I never felt as good about myself as I did when I shaved my head in 12th grade. I was strong, I didn’t care about what people thought, and it was easy to take care of!
29. I did, however, secretly care when people called me a lesbian.
30. Although I do like women, sometimes more than I like men.
31. My favorite body part on a man is his ass. It has to be firm but with substance. I like to call them butts that I would gnaw on if given the chance.
32. My favorite body part on a woman is the nape of her neck. Both beautiful and set up to make women feel vulnerable.
33. The most vulnerable I feel is when I let my significant other lick or suck on my neck.
34. During that time, I always entertain the slight possibility that he might decide today is the day that he’s going to bite my jugular and watch me bleed to death.
35. That secretly turns me on.
36. My eyes are very blue, and I would never wear colored contacts to hide them again.
37. I always tell people that I am Irish, but the other half of my family is Swiss and German.
38. I don’t know why that embarrasses me.
39. My cat’s name is Delilah, she’s 5 years old and has a terminal disease.
40. I treat her like I’d want other people to treat me if they found out I had a disease that was slowly killing me.
41. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it when she dies.
42. I help other pets die for a living and, every time I hold the pet down while the needle is injected, I am glad that it isn’t my cat.
43. My daughter was born September 14th, 2001.
44. I turned 20 3 weeks later, on October 4th.
45. People still don’t always know she’s my daughter.
46. But I’m never afraid to tell them.
47. I was married when I conceived and birthed her.
48. But I was divorced before she turned 3 years old.
49. I’m not sorry that my ex-husband and I aren’t still together.
50. But I am sorry that I didn’t force him to get help as I watched the post-traumatic stress disorder eat him alive.
51. I have an intense jealous streak that gets me into trouble
52. Usually that trouble is entirely in my own head. I can convince myself with utter certainty that the person I love is cheating on me. It’s so vivid that I can see it.
53. I also think that I deserve it.
54. I’m terrified that I will never get married again.
55. I’ve never been as in love with anyone as I am with my current boyfriend.
56. But I still feel like he doesn’t love me that much back.
57. He’s never given me any reason to believe that he doesn’t.
58. If my fingernails are painted a certain color, you can bet money that my toenails match perfectly.
59. My fingernails are rarely painted.
60. My self esteem seems to ebb and flow with how often I shave my legs.
61. I believe in fate.
62. But I also believe that fate allows us choices and paths.
63. Every single event in my life has made me the person I am today.
64. But there are things that I would change given the chance.
65. Having my daughter, getting married and having the affair with Bear wouldn’t be any of those things.
66. When I wear my glasses, I feel less strong. I think it’s a librarian complex.
67. Although Bear assures me that they make me look incredibly hot.
68. I didn’t have cable for nearly a year and that helped me realize just how vane our society really is.
69. That doesn’t stop me from being addicted to Nip/Tuck now.
70. I have a huge collection of pin-up art.
71. If I could choose any time period to live in, I would pick the 1950s every time.
72. My dream car is from the same time period – a 1950s Ford Coupe, preferably with suicide doors and pink pinstripe flames on both sides.
73. I have a Marilyn Monroe obsession.
74. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for 7 years now.
75. But I still haven’t gotten one.
76. I’m never happier than I am when I am either bloody from working really hard to save an animal or up to my elbows in car grease as I’m working on my car.
77. Needless to say, I like my sex to be dirty and messy as well.
78. Once I’m in love with someone, I’m extremely loyal until they give me reason to act otherwise.
79. My loyalty is a fault; it gets in the way of seeing who a person really is sometimes.
80. I rarely have time to read these days, but I’m always looking for good book suggestions.
81. I usually read books in a day or two; I’m too impatient to wait to find out what happens.
82. Sometimes I’ll skip right to the end of the book, and then go back to the middle.
83. I don’t always know if I like something right away, but I always know immediately when I don’t.
84. I constantly obsess over the size of my ass, although everyone else always assures me just how hot it is.
85. My dream job is helping animals, but I’m still not sure whether I want to go to veterinary school or veterinary technician school.
86. I’ve already been accepted into a very competitive vet tech school, and it’s just like me to look a gift horse in the mouth.
87. I’ve been with almost the same amount of women as men.
88. The number is something I’ve always been ashamed of.
89. Mainly because I’m not exactly sure just how bad it is.
90. I’m one of those rare women who can have sex entirely without emotion.
91. I prefer to have sex with emotion. It’s always made sex so much better for me.
92. I masturbate and think about being gang raped.
93. It’s almost the only thing that gets me off these days.
94. I need a more submissive lifestyle to feel complete.
95. But I would never want to be anyone’s slave.
96. I don’t consider myself weak because of my desires. If anything, it makes me a stronger person to be able to admit them to others and myself.
97. I’m a feminist. Real feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.
98. Men who think women are weaker than them disgust me. I would never be with a man who didn’t see me as his equal.
99. Ends are really hard for me too. It’s hard for me to come up with something witty, like I need to leave everyone thinking about me and just how great I am
100. I’ve got nothing. And I’m ok with that.


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about


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. -- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I'm like that, I'm the untaken road. I walk the path that's filled with jagged rocks, spooky trees and no sunlight - but I come out the other side wiser. It's always worth the price.


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