100 Things About Aine.
Friday, December 16, 2005 by Mellie
1. The beginning of anything always terrifies me. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure, and I never feel like I live up to my own expectations of perfection.
2. When I begin to feel like I’m failing at perfection, I give up and do exactly the opposite. This pertains to everything in my life.
3. My favorite seasons are (in this order) – Spring, Fall, Winter, Summer. I adore transition periods; I hate stagnancy.
4. Even when I was a little girl, I could never answer the favorite color question. It actually makes me anxious when people ask me what my favorite color is.
5. I put more pressure on myself than anyone in my life ever could (or would).
6. I always worry that I expect too much of myself, but still expect myself to follow through with those unrealistic expectations. (Follow that one!)
7. I am very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat – movies, television, music, watching people on the street… everything gets to me.
8. There are very few people who know this about me. There is absolutely no one in my life that knows the extent that my emotions affect me.
9. I’m terrified of being found weak, vulnerable or overly sentimental.
10. I want other people to think that I am beautiful.
11. I just don’t have the time or desire to paint my nails, do my makeup, wash my hair, pluck my eyebrows, pick out perfect clothes and whiten my teeth every single morning.
12. But I don’t let that get in the way of criticizing myself every time I walk in front of the mirror.
13. I’ve been dying my hair since I was 13 years old, but no hair color has stopped me from hating myself.
14. I’m worried this list is making me seem like a neurotic child with self-esteem problems (although sometimes I feel like I am).
15. The small of my back is my favorite body part.
16. It’s also the body part I would have him come on if given the choice.
17. If the person I’m with fails to reach orgasm, I blame myself.
18. I then think what I could have done differently for hours afterwards.
19. I lost my virginity when I was raped at age 16.
20. I used that as an excuse to be with as many people as possible after that.
21. It didn’t make me feel any better.
22. I weigh 30 pounds more today than I did in high school almost a decade ago.
23. I was bulimic/anorexic in high school.
24. I don’t let that stop me from holding my 17-year-old self as the picture of perfection.
25. If I didn’t have a child, I would still be bulimic/anorexic right now.
26. I think that my daughter was sent to me to save me from myself.
27. So far, it has worked.
28. I never felt as good about myself as I did when I shaved my head in 12th grade. I was strong, I didn’t care about what people thought, and it was easy to take care of!
29. I did, however, secretly care when people called me a lesbian.
30. Although I do like women, sometimes more than I like men.
31. My favorite body part on a man is his ass. It has to be firm but with substance. I like to call them butts that I would gnaw on if given the chance.
32. My favorite body part on a woman is the nape of her neck. Both beautiful and set up to make women feel vulnerable.
33. The most vulnerable I feel is when I let my significant other lick or suck on my neck.
34. During that time, I always entertain the slight possibility that he might decide today is the day that he’s going to bite my jugular and watch me bleed to death.
35. That secretly turns me on.
36. My eyes are very blue, and I would never wear colored contacts to hide them again.
37. I always tell people that I am Irish, but the other half of my family is Swiss and German.
38. I don’t know why that embarrasses me.
39. My cat’s name is Delilah, she’s 5 years old and has a terminal disease.
40. I treat her like I’d want other people to treat me if they found out I had a disease that was slowly killing me.
41. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it when she dies.
42. I help other pets die for a living and, every time I hold the pet down while the needle is injected, I am glad that it isn’t my cat.
43. My daughter was born September 14th, 2001.
44. I turned 20 3 weeks later, on October 4th.
45. People still don’t always know she’s my daughter.
46. But I’m never afraid to tell them.
47. I was married when I conceived and birthed her.
48. But I was divorced before she turned 3 years old.
49. I’m not sorry that my ex-husband and I aren’t still together.
50. But I am sorry that I didn’t force him to get help as I watched the post-traumatic stress disorder eat him alive.
51. I have an intense jealous streak that gets me into trouble
52. Usually that trouble is entirely in my own head. I can convince myself with utter certainty that the person I love is cheating on me. It’s so vivid that I can see it.
53. I also think that I deserve it.
54. I’m terrified that I will never get married again.
55. I’ve never been as in love with anyone as I am with my current boyfriend.
56. But I still feel like he doesn’t love me that much back.
57. He’s never given me any reason to believe that he doesn’t.
58. If my fingernails are painted a certain color, you can bet money that my toenails match perfectly.
59. My fingernails are rarely painted.
60. My self esteem seems to ebb and flow with how often I shave my legs.
61. I believe in fate.
62. But I also believe that fate allows us choices and paths.
63. Every single event in my life has made me the person I am today.
64. But there are things that I would change given the chance.
65. Having my daughter, getting married and having the affair with Bear wouldn’t be any of those things.
66. When I wear my glasses, I feel less strong. I think it’s a librarian complex.
67. Although Bear assures me that they make me look incredibly hot.
68. I didn’t have cable for nearly a year and that helped me realize just how vane our society really is.
69. That doesn’t stop me from being addicted to Nip/Tuck now.
70. I have a huge collection of pin-up art.
71. If I could choose any time period to live in, I would pick the 1950s every time.
72. My dream car is from the same time period – a 1950s Ford Coupe, preferably with suicide doors and pink pinstripe flames on both sides.
73. I have a Marilyn Monroe obsession.
74. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for 7 years now.
75. But I still haven’t gotten one.
76. I’m never happier than I am when I am either bloody from working really hard to save an animal or up to my elbows in car grease as I’m working on my car.
77. Needless to say, I like my sex to be dirty and messy as well.
78. Once I’m in love with someone, I’m extremely loyal until they give me reason to act otherwise.
79. My loyalty is a fault; it gets in the way of seeing who a person really is sometimes.
80. I rarely have time to read these days, but I’m always looking for good book suggestions.
81. I usually read books in a day or two; I’m too impatient to wait to find out what happens.
82. Sometimes I’ll skip right to the end of the book, and then go back to the middle.
83. I don’t always know if I like something right away, but I always know immediately when I don’t.
84. I constantly obsess over the size of my ass, although everyone else always assures me just how hot it is.
85. My dream job is helping animals, but I’m still not sure whether I want to go to veterinary school or veterinary technician school.
86. I’ve already been accepted into a very competitive vet tech school, and it’s just like me to look a gift horse in the mouth.
87. I’ve been with almost the same amount of women as men.
88. The number is something I’ve always been ashamed of.
89. Mainly because I’m not exactly sure just how bad it is.
90. I’m one of those rare women who can have sex entirely without emotion.
91. I prefer to have sex with emotion. It’s always made sex so much better for me.
92. I masturbate and think about being gang raped.
93. It’s almost the only thing that gets me off these days.
94. I need a more submissive lifestyle to feel complete.
95. But I would never want to be anyone’s slave.
96. I don’t consider myself weak because of my desires. If anything, it makes me a stronger person to be able to admit them to others and myself.
97. I’m a feminist. Real feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.
98. Men who think women are weaker than them disgust me. I would never be with a man who didn’t see me as his equal.
99. Ends are really hard for me too. It’s hard for me to come up with something witty, like I need to leave everyone thinking about me and just how great I am
100. I’ve got nothing. And I’m ok with that.
2. When I begin to feel like I’m failing at perfection, I give up and do exactly the opposite. This pertains to everything in my life.
3. My favorite seasons are (in this order) – Spring, Fall, Winter, Summer. I adore transition periods; I hate stagnancy.
4. Even when I was a little girl, I could never answer the favorite color question. It actually makes me anxious when people ask me what my favorite color is.
5. I put more pressure on myself than anyone in my life ever could (or would).
6. I always worry that I expect too much of myself, but still expect myself to follow through with those unrealistic expectations. (Follow that one!)
7. I am very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat – movies, television, music, watching people on the street… everything gets to me.
8. There are very few people who know this about me. There is absolutely no one in my life that knows the extent that my emotions affect me.
9. I’m terrified of being found weak, vulnerable or overly sentimental.
10. I want other people to think that I am beautiful.
11. I just don’t have the time or desire to paint my nails, do my makeup, wash my hair, pluck my eyebrows, pick out perfect clothes and whiten my teeth every single morning.
12. But I don’t let that get in the way of criticizing myself every time I walk in front of the mirror.
13. I’ve been dying my hair since I was 13 years old, but no hair color has stopped me from hating myself.
14. I’m worried this list is making me seem like a neurotic child with self-esteem problems (although sometimes I feel like I am).
15. The small of my back is my favorite body part.
16. It’s also the body part I would have him come on if given the choice.
17. If the person I’m with fails to reach orgasm, I blame myself.
18. I then think what I could have done differently for hours afterwards.
19. I lost my virginity when I was raped at age 16.
20. I used that as an excuse to be with as many people as possible after that.
21. It didn’t make me feel any better.
22. I weigh 30 pounds more today than I did in high school almost a decade ago.
23. I was bulimic/anorexic in high school.
24. I don’t let that stop me from holding my 17-year-old self as the picture of perfection.
25. If I didn’t have a child, I would still be bulimic/anorexic right now.
26. I think that my daughter was sent to me to save me from myself.
27. So far, it has worked.
28. I never felt as good about myself as I did when I shaved my head in 12th grade. I was strong, I didn’t care about what people thought, and it was easy to take care of!
29. I did, however, secretly care when people called me a lesbian.
30. Although I do like women, sometimes more than I like men.
31. My favorite body part on a man is his ass. It has to be firm but with substance. I like to call them butts that I would gnaw on if given the chance.
32. My favorite body part on a woman is the nape of her neck. Both beautiful and set up to make women feel vulnerable.
33. The most vulnerable I feel is when I let my significant other lick or suck on my neck.
34. During that time, I always entertain the slight possibility that he might decide today is the day that he’s going to bite my jugular and watch me bleed to death.
35. That secretly turns me on.
36. My eyes are very blue, and I would never wear colored contacts to hide them again.
37. I always tell people that I am Irish, but the other half of my family is Swiss and German.
38. I don’t know why that embarrasses me.
39. My cat’s name is Delilah, she’s 5 years old and has a terminal disease.
40. I treat her like I’d want other people to treat me if they found out I had a disease that was slowly killing me.
41. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it when she dies.
42. I help other pets die for a living and, every time I hold the pet down while the needle is injected, I am glad that it isn’t my cat.
43. My daughter was born September 14th, 2001.
44. I turned 20 3 weeks later, on October 4th.
45. People still don’t always know she’s my daughter.
46. But I’m never afraid to tell them.
47. I was married when I conceived and birthed her.
48. But I was divorced before she turned 3 years old.
49. I’m not sorry that my ex-husband and I aren’t still together.
50. But I am sorry that I didn’t force him to get help as I watched the post-traumatic stress disorder eat him alive.
51. I have an intense jealous streak that gets me into trouble
52. Usually that trouble is entirely in my own head. I can convince myself with utter certainty that the person I love is cheating on me. It’s so vivid that I can see it.
53. I also think that I deserve it.
54. I’m terrified that I will never get married again.
55. I’ve never been as in love with anyone as I am with my current boyfriend.
56. But I still feel like he doesn’t love me that much back.
57. He’s never given me any reason to believe that he doesn’t.
58. If my fingernails are painted a certain color, you can bet money that my toenails match perfectly.
59. My fingernails are rarely painted.
60. My self esteem seems to ebb and flow with how often I shave my legs.
61. I believe in fate.
62. But I also believe that fate allows us choices and paths.
63. Every single event in my life has made me the person I am today.
64. But there are things that I would change given the chance.
65. Having my daughter, getting married and having the affair with Bear wouldn’t be any of those things.
66. When I wear my glasses, I feel less strong. I think it’s a librarian complex.
67. Although Bear assures me that they make me look incredibly hot.
68. I didn’t have cable for nearly a year and that helped me realize just how vane our society really is.
69. That doesn’t stop me from being addicted to Nip/Tuck now.
70. I have a huge collection of pin-up art.
71. If I could choose any time period to live in, I would pick the 1950s every time.
72. My dream car is from the same time period – a 1950s Ford Coupe, preferably with suicide doors and pink pinstripe flames on both sides.
73. I have a Marilyn Monroe obsession.
74. I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo for 7 years now.
75. But I still haven’t gotten one.
76. I’m never happier than I am when I am either bloody from working really hard to save an animal or up to my elbows in car grease as I’m working on my car.
77. Needless to say, I like my sex to be dirty and messy as well.
78. Once I’m in love with someone, I’m extremely loyal until they give me reason to act otherwise.
79. My loyalty is a fault; it gets in the way of seeing who a person really is sometimes.
80. I rarely have time to read these days, but I’m always looking for good book suggestions.
81. I usually read books in a day or two; I’m too impatient to wait to find out what happens.
82. Sometimes I’ll skip right to the end of the book, and then go back to the middle.
83. I don’t always know if I like something right away, but I always know immediately when I don’t.
84. I constantly obsess over the size of my ass, although everyone else always assures me just how hot it is.
85. My dream job is helping animals, but I’m still not sure whether I want to go to veterinary school or veterinary technician school.
86. I’ve already been accepted into a very competitive vet tech school, and it’s just like me to look a gift horse in the mouth.
87. I’ve been with almost the same amount of women as men.
88. The number is something I’ve always been ashamed of.
89. Mainly because I’m not exactly sure just how bad it is.
90. I’m one of those rare women who can have sex entirely without emotion.
91. I prefer to have sex with emotion. It’s always made sex so much better for me.
92. I masturbate and think about being gang raped.
93. It’s almost the only thing that gets me off these days.
94. I need a more submissive lifestyle to feel complete.
95. But I would never want to be anyone’s slave.
96. I don’t consider myself weak because of my desires. If anything, it makes me a stronger person to be able to admit them to others and myself.
97. I’m a feminist. Real feminism is about letting women decide for themselves.
98. Men who think women are weaker than them disgust me. I would never be with a man who didn’t see me as his equal.
99. Ends are really hard for me too. It’s hard for me to come up with something witty, like I need to leave everyone thinking about me and just how great I am
100. I’ve got nothing. And I’m ok with that.
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